That is how i existed.
Have you ever felt so fucked up that you don't want to go on with your life? You ever questioned your family if why were you born if life would only be miserable?
Well, i came to that point. A lot of pressure was coming from everybody. I got so fed up with their problems that i can't even handle mine. I then asked my mother if why didn't she kill me when she had the chance.
You know, my mother gave birth to me when she was even barely legal.
Fatherless...
unwanted...
and as my grandma would say, "a bad luck to the family".. (very much loving, don't you think?)
'Twas a time when my mother can't even live by herself. How much more when she was pregnant with me? How can she sustain us both?
That's why i asked her one time when we had a quarrel, "Why didn't you kill me when you had the chance? Bakit di mo kinitil ang buhay ko nung binubuntis mo pa lang ako? 'Cause if you did, you wouldn't have been having problems with me and i wouldn't have been living this fucked up life."
And you know what she answered? It was a proof of how much she loves me. A proof of how much i mean to her. "DO YOU THINK I DIDN'T TRY? Palagay mo hindi ko tinry? 'Di mo alam pero I tried everything because I DON'T WANT AS MUCH AS YOU DO TO LIVE THIS WRETCHED LIFE."
Well, that was it. Just a few words but has an effect of a lifetime. I was caught off-guard by what she said. I didn't know how to react...i didn't know what to say. It hurts to know that you're family doesn't want you born but it hurts the most when you hear it from your own mother.
The thousands of pins stinging at my heart that very moment lessened a little when my mother said this, "Anong magagawa ko e ang lakas ng kapit mo kay Lord. Kahit ano pa ang gawin ko kung iba ang gusto ng panginoon, yun ang masusunod."
That somehow sounds amazing. By some mystery, I survived. It is good to know that at least there is somebody- someone who wants me alive and that's what matters most. This is the reason why i relate myself to Harry Potter, the boy who lived.
Because indeed...
in reality...
i am...
THE BOY WHO LIVED. @
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